How to Calculate a Tip

Plus .05% for getting my party and I a table near the large screen TV where the game is playing.  Plus .075% for having the game I want to see on.  Plus .1% for asking right away if I would like any drinks.  Plus .01% for telling me I have good taste in my choice of drink.  Minus .02% for not flirting with me.  Plus 1.1% for bringing drinks right away and another plus .05% for putting free salty snacks on the table for us to enjoy during the game.  Plus .6% for leaving us alone to enjoy the game.  Plus .03% for seeing that I was out of beer and salty snacks and asking if I want more.  Minus .5% for not having clearly marked signs indicating the location of the bathrooms.  Minus another .4% for being too busy that I have to wait in line at the restroom.  Plus .3% for having clean toilet, but minus .6% for running out of paper towels.  Minus .5% since I had to wipe my hands on my jeans.  Plus 1% for the great chicken wings with blue cheese.  Minus .02% for the chicken wing sauce not being spicy enough.  Plus .04% since my team scored a touchdown.  Minus .02% since my team was losing at the half.  Minus .05% when my buddy Sam spilled his beer all over the table, but a plus .75% for bringing towels and a mop right away.  Plus another .3% for bringing Sam a new beer.  Minus .02% for not bringing a free round of beer for the table for our pain and suffering.  Minus .07% since I have to visit the restroom again.  Minus .6% since there are still no paper towels in addition to another minus .05% for me having to wipe my hands on my jeans again.  Minus .5% since the opposing team scored while I was visiting the restroom.  Plus .5% for bringing shots for my party and I and another .75% for bringing me another one along with a beer chaser.  Minus .4% since my team just gave up a turn over which lead to a touchdown.  Minus .25% for my team being down by 3 possessions with less than a minute left in the 4th quarter.  Minus 2% for telling me that I’ve had enough.  Minus another .5% for telling me that I need to calm down, put my shirt back on and close out my check.  Minus .25% for charging so much for beer, shots and chicken wings.  Minus .5% because I can’t find my wallet.  Minus .4% because no one has seen my wallet and I swear I had it with me.  Minus .75% because Sam will have to pay for the check since someone must have stolen my wallet while going to the restroom.  Minus .25% because my team lost the football game.

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3 Responses to How to Calculate a Tip

  1. Larry Shepherd October 21, 2010 at 8:02 am #

    Great formula! I will have to try that but only with the help from my other half who is an accountant.

  2. Dan October 21, 2010 at 8:40 am #

    I completely agree with this. Any waitress who disagrees is whiny and should be docked another full 4.32%.

  3. Fritz October 21, 2010 at 9:13 am #

    Tipping is exact science….why do you think they make tipping calculators. Of course I dock the waitress .32% for the cost of the tipping calculator.

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